Kids are stupid

Like most people I was born, which also means that I was once a child. Thankfully something like this never happened to me. I'm sure some of you will say "He is a toddler, this isn't funny you jerk!". And your point would be? he survived didn't he? In fact he didn't even cry which is more than I could say for a tree hugger like yourself. If you didn't laugh at this you are the jerk, not me. He will probably grow up to be the next crocodile hunter, or a cage fighter, something that really contributes to our society. This video also made me want to have kids, especially two sons, so they can do things like this to amuse me.

Milfs and Cougars

I am very close with my father, we talk about damn near everything. Recently he gave me this advice about trying to bed down an older woman.

Fatherly Advice: " My first instinct is to tell you to blow that back out and leave, cuz that is exactly what I would do. but then again you are my son, so I figure I shouldn't say things like that. Be careful she could be one of them cougars! As long as you aren't trying to be her man, I say hit it and leave...don't forget to strap up"

As you can see my dad is terrible at giving advice, and probably the sole reason I have 9 children I pretend aren't mine. But its through these conversations that I often have life changing revelations. It has come to my attention that the days of being excited at the prospect of hooking up with a 26 - 34 year old are winding down. Age wise, I may not be in that neighborhood just yet, but I definitely live in a community somewhere nearby. Soon garnering the 10min to 2hour physical affection of an older woman (depending on who you are, I have to look out for all my fellas out there) won't mean anything. It wont be exciting, it will be like sharing a cubby with the girl who sits in the desk next to you in 2nd grade. you are both in the same class! you don't want that, she's that everyday tail. You want that sandbox tail, you know that brown eyed girl in the 4th grade who you only see at recess. At the risk of sounding like a pedophile, I hope you understand my analogy.

Have you ever been around that older guy, who is I dunno 40 - 65 years old. He sees a woman in his age bracket, who you would never be attracted to at this stage in your life, and he thinks she looks like Halle berry? I don't want to be that guy... I'm afraid to be that guy...In fact my biggest fear (other than alien invasion, but thats another story) is to be that guy. The day saggy titties, crows feet, muffin tops, and mom jeans become my thing, is the day I will become a shell of my former self, a day I never want to see.

My uncle (Dad's little Bro) once told me "Put God first, and don't settle for shit". While he intended for me to apply this to my life as a whole, I have decided to apply it women. It's my rule of thumb now, but eventually I will have to settle, because you can't start going backwards, unless you're famous. Think about it, if Derek Jeter never gets married and, decides to date 22 year old cocktail waitress's when he's70, he's worshiped. "what a guy!" people exclaim as he saunters down the street, "If only I could be him for one day". If a regular guy the same age does that, he's a weirdo, a pervert, and is looked down upon by society. "Eew, you dirty motherfucker! She's old enough to be your grand daughter, find someone your own age", "Why aren't you settling down?, don't you wish you had a family", " stop looking at my chest perv!". See the contrast? Derek Jeter gets to stare at womens chests from now till the day he dies, you my friend are better off signing up for a penthouse subscription, the same day you get your AARP card. Maybe those old guys know what they are doing. Sure no one likes saggy titties, but no one likes to be called a dirty old man either. Which is worse? I suppose in the end it's all relative. Maybe the two limp, droopy faced birds in their hands, really are better than the perky ones, having a wet t-shirt contest in the bush. Maybe when I'm that old I will be content to hold on to what I got, I suppose that's better than having nothing at all.

Quote of the day

Everyone likes to hear a good meaningful quote every now and again. The words of others can inspire us to change detrimental aspects of our own lives, or serve as that extra motivation to help us to reach our goals. I have decided that periodically I will share quotes that have enriched my life, in hopes that it will do the same for you.

Quote of the day: " I know you are old enough to be my son, but eat a dick! " - Soulja Boy (in reference to Ice T telling him to eat a dick)

Wow, if this doesn't speak to you, I don't know what will. Pure unadulterated genius! When I first heard this my initial reaction was laughter, but after that I got angry. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS? After some intense soul searching, I decided that the best course of action would be to pretend I came up with the quote myself, and take credit for someone else's work. Armed with my new piece of heavy artillery, I went to the nearest playground to try it out on some unsuspecting youngsters. As you can imagine, it was a tough crowd and my reviews were mixed, but here is how it all broke down. 1-2 year old's shat their pants, 3-5 year old's cried, 7 year old's stated that they didn't know what Saved by the Bell was, or for that matter who I was, and therefore I couldn't play TV tag with them anymore, and some fat kid on a tire swing told his mom, who subsequently called the police.

I suppose its best to show you the clip of these words being used in their proper context so you can truly appreciate how glorious a statement this really is. click here
The part you really need to hear is around 4 minutes in so after hearing Ice T's original quote, skip ahead.

Salutations bitches

People have been asking me to start my own blog for the past year or so, so I figured what better time than now. While it has been flattering, as to why people have requested that I take on this endeavor is a bit befuddling. I have narrowed it down to two distinct possibilities. The first being that apparently some one out there other than myself, thinks I'm pretty funny. The second, and more likely being that I'm such a mean spirited, foul mouthed, deplorable, piece of trash that reading my rantings will somehow make you feel better about yourself; and forget about what a terrible person you are in comparison to me. Either way its nice to feel wanted.

Some of you may be offended by some of the things I will say in the upcoming weeks, months, and depending on how this goes years. With that said, I think its only fair that I tell you now, that I don't give a shit. If you don't like my blog go read Better Homes and Gardens, Oprah's magazine or something else more your speed. I can assure you that MOST of the time what I say is purely for shits and giggles, and I don't mean 99% of it. Which means that 99% of the time hopefully you will be laughing at someone else's expense. Conversely, this also means that 1% of the time you will be offended and think I'm talking about you. Which means that 1% of the time you will be right because I am.