Levi Johnson American Hero

Levi Johnson is the kid who knocked up Sarah Palin's daughter. If you guys don't know much about him (why would you), let me fill you in. This guy is an American Hero. He should be on the next cover of Time, followed by a short stint on the Wheaties Box, Kellogg's Corn Flakes, or at least the side of the Kentucky Fried Chicken 8 piece leg and thigh bucket. Just look at what he has written in his about me section on Myspace.

"I'm a fuckin' redneck, who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckin' chillin' I guess. Ya fuck with me I'll kick ass"

If that wasn't enough, his take on relationships is also hilarious. His profile lists him as in a relationship, but he is quick to remind you that "I don't want kids". HAHAHA too late asshole, now you are the poster child for baby daddy's everywhere. I dunno, maybe I'm just a surly, mean spirited, pessimistic black man, but am I the only one who thinks this whole situation is hilarious? I'm sure the baby will be taken care of (at least financially speaking), and at worst will be taken into the care of it's grandmother, who all in all seems like a nice woman ( or milf whichever you prefer). I think that allows me some room to laugh at the poor fate of this young guy. A few months ago the world was his oyster. I imagine he woke up one day, with his heart set on "shooting some shit " followed by an ample amount of reminding himself how much he never wanted kids, with his rag tag band of hockey playing, bike riding redneck friends. They probably went Ice fishing, and if time permitted, topped it off with a good round of "ass kicking", or moose tipping. Just when he thought this perfect day couldn't get any better, he probably ran into Sarah Palin's daughter. They probably made small talk for a while, until he asked what her plans were for later on in the evening; to which her reply was something along the lines of "Fuckin chillin I guess". If thats not a green light, I don't know what is. So as you can see, this kid went from probably having the best day of his life, to 9 months later being stuck with a kid he never wanted, and is now forced to receive awkward rub downs from john McCain till November To fully enjoy McCain in Levi in their akward glory, skip up to the 1 minute mark in the video(I wonder if McCain got paid after that? and was the happy ending included or is that an extra 5 spot?)

On the bright side of things, maybe after all these years Shawn Kemp can catch a break. If he's kept up his past rate of bastard fathering, He should have damn near 85 kids now, but I GUARANTEE YOU that not one of the baby's mothers will ever have a more important position in life, than manning the fry station at Burger King, or cleaning the ball pit at your local Chuckie Cheese. Which shows that he not only mastered the art of basketball, but also the art of being a dick.

Some of you might think at least Levi had the sense to impregnate a woman who is going some where in life, or at least her mother is. WRONG! it demonstrates what a jackass Levi is. He is blatantly exhibiting his lack of respect, and basic knowledge of all things righteous, sacred and player in this country. If you have ever met or observed a "baby's daddy" in the wild, you would know that they are a quiet species, who rarely like to be seen in public, especially with their own children. They prefer to come out at night, when they can avoid being seen by the baby's mother, her angry family members, individuals seeking to collect child support payments, or perhaps a game of ping pong or catch with the kid they left behind. When Shawn Kemp wants to abandon his kids, all he has to do is pack a bag. If Levi ever wants to do it, he could potentially have to get by the secret service. Think about it, if McCain wins, that means Sarah Palin wins, which in turn means LEVI LOSES. Don't vote for Barack Because you like him, Don't vote against McCain because you dislike him. Make your vote count, and place a vote for Levi. Make a vote for baby daddy's everywhere, it's time to say that enough is enough. He is probably being forced to do all types of shit He doesn't like, like playing with his kid, hugging his now unwanted, ball and chain baby's mom after sex, and reading. This leaves NO TIME for kicking ass, snowboarding, or fuckin chillin'. do the right thing this November, take a stand, and make your vote count

Stereotypes may not be funny, but they make me hungry

WATCH THE CLIP BEFORE YOU READ.It's a simple two step process, don't fuck it up!



Around 2 years ago a buddy of mine put me on to this video. When I first saw it I didn't know whether to be mad or hungry. I think I should tell you that my "buddy" is a small white woman, and I am a proud, 12 foot tall, attractive black man. My jaw dropped as she laughed hysterically. "This is so offensive" I thought, " and "white woman, you shouldn't be laughing at this". Then something funny happened...I GOT HUNGRY. Call me an uncle tom, a sell out, Mr. Bojangles, Cuba Gooding Jr., whatever you like, personally I don't care. After watching this video I somehow found myself doing the old soft shoe in front of my stove; as I poured fresh Wesson oil into a pot, and prepared a well seasoned batter. This song has everything I like. A good beat, a concept I can believe in, and it asks me questions so I know the artist is trying to connect with me, and keep me involved. "You like the wings? You like the thighs? You like the white meat? You like the legs?". I do! I do! I do like all those things!I feel like you know me so well.

For me, the best part of this video is the fat kid in the blue hooded sweatshirt. He starts out so excited, then gets upset as his hunger begins to grow. Around the 2:28 mark, he's clearly not having fun anymore, and to put it mildly is pissed off. I love how he puts his hands in his pockets as a sign of protest. "Uh...I was told there would be chicken here, what's taking so long. You guys have me chanting, beating on tables, and I still haven't gotten my two piece leg and thigh plate yet. I'm not asking for a lot. I don't require money. We agreed you would pay me in chicken, that's all I need, and that is what I expect". I feel you little man, stand up for your rights. Don't let that blue headed, cross dresser, frying chicken on a grill do you dirty. By the way, frying chicken on a grill? a pit at that? There truly are no words.

Some of you might be offended by this, but its important to remember that it's times like these that I would cordially ask you to go fuck yourself. I think its funny so I put it on my blog. The truth is no matter what race you are, I'm sure you can find about a billion things wrong with this clip. Unless you are in the Klan, in which case this is probably in your training video, or at least shown at movie nights, during Klan For Kids summer sleep away camp. Honestly, part of me does cringe a bit when I see it, but I have managed to laugh my way through it every time. As dumb as this video is, it can spark an open dialog amongst black people about negative racial stereotypes, and how often times minorities seem as if they are trying their damnedest to reinforce them. In closing, is this offensive? Yes! should I have eaten 10 pounds of KFC Original Recipe after watching it? Probably not. But a wise man once said "Sometimes in life you have to laugh to keep from crying". I would suggest that others you just need to fry some chicken.

Beat down of the month, Whoop That Trick!

Many parents complain about teachers in schools today, but how many are really doing anything about it? More of you out there need to follow the lead of this woman who lays down the law, close fisted style on this poor sap. Now this is a PTA meeting I would show up for. Education would be taken much more seriously in this country,if people knew they might find themselves on the wrong end of a ass whoopin' for not doing there job.

Kids are stupid

Like most people I was born, which also means that I was once a child. Thankfully something like this never happened to me. I'm sure some of you will say "He is a toddler, this isn't funny you jerk!". And your point would be? he survived didn't he? In fact he didn't even cry which is more than I could say for a tree hugger like yourself. If you didn't laugh at this you are the jerk, not me. He will probably grow up to be the next crocodile hunter, or a cage fighter, something that really contributes to our society. This video also made me want to have kids, especially two sons, so they can do things like this to amuse me.

Milfs and Cougars

I am very close with my father, we talk about damn near everything. Recently he gave me this advice about trying to bed down an older woman.

Fatherly Advice: " My first instinct is to tell you to blow that back out and leave, cuz that is exactly what I would do. but then again you are my son, so I figure I shouldn't say things like that. Be careful she could be one of them cougars! As long as you aren't trying to be her man, I say hit it and leave...don't forget to strap up"

As you can see my dad is terrible at giving advice, and probably the sole reason I have 9 children I pretend aren't mine. But its through these conversations that I often have life changing revelations. It has come to my attention that the days of being excited at the prospect of hooking up with a 26 - 34 year old are winding down. Age wise, I may not be in that neighborhood just yet, but I definitely live in a community somewhere nearby. Soon garnering the 10min to 2hour physical affection of an older woman (depending on who you are, I have to look out for all my fellas out there) won't mean anything. It wont be exciting, it will be like sharing a cubby with the girl who sits in the desk next to you in 2nd grade. you are both in the same class! you don't want that, she's that everyday tail. You want that sandbox tail, you know that brown eyed girl in the 4th grade who you only see at recess. At the risk of sounding like a pedophile, I hope you understand my analogy.

Have you ever been around that older guy, who is I dunno 40 - 65 years old. He sees a woman in his age bracket, who you would never be attracted to at this stage in your life, and he thinks she looks like Halle berry? I don't want to be that guy... I'm afraid to be that guy...In fact my biggest fear (other than alien invasion, but thats another story) is to be that guy. The day saggy titties, crows feet, muffin tops, and mom jeans become my thing, is the day I will become a shell of my former self, a day I never want to see.

My uncle (Dad's little Bro) once told me "Put God first, and don't settle for shit". While he intended for me to apply this to my life as a whole, I have decided to apply it women. It's my rule of thumb now, but eventually I will have to settle, because you can't start going backwards, unless you're famous. Think about it, if Derek Jeter never gets married and, decides to date 22 year old cocktail waitress's when he's70, he's worshiped. "what a guy!" people exclaim as he saunters down the street, "If only I could be him for one day". If a regular guy the same age does that, he's a weirdo, a pervert, and is looked down upon by society. "Eew, you dirty motherfucker! She's old enough to be your grand daughter, find someone your own age", "Why aren't you settling down?, don't you wish you had a family", " stop looking at my chest perv!". See the contrast? Derek Jeter gets to stare at womens chests from now till the day he dies, you my friend are better off signing up for a penthouse subscription, the same day you get your AARP card. Maybe those old guys know what they are doing. Sure no one likes saggy titties, but no one likes to be called a dirty old man either. Which is worse? I suppose in the end it's all relative. Maybe the two limp, droopy faced birds in their hands, really are better than the perky ones, having a wet t-shirt contest in the bush. Maybe when I'm that old I will be content to hold on to what I got, I suppose that's better than having nothing at all.

Quote of the day

Everyone likes to hear a good meaningful quote every now and again. The words of others can inspire us to change detrimental aspects of our own lives, or serve as that extra motivation to help us to reach our goals. I have decided that periodically I will share quotes that have enriched my life, in hopes that it will do the same for you.

Quote of the day: " I know you are old enough to be my son, but eat a dick! " - Soulja Boy (in reference to Ice T telling him to eat a dick)

Wow, if this doesn't speak to you, I don't know what will. Pure unadulterated genius! When I first heard this my initial reaction was laughter, but after that I got angry. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS? After some intense soul searching, I decided that the best course of action would be to pretend I came up with the quote myself, and take credit for someone else's work. Armed with my new piece of heavy artillery, I went to the nearest playground to try it out on some unsuspecting youngsters. As you can imagine, it was a tough crowd and my reviews were mixed, but here is how it all broke down. 1-2 year old's shat their pants, 3-5 year old's cried, 7 year old's stated that they didn't know what Saved by the Bell was, or for that matter who I was, and therefore I couldn't play TV tag with them anymore, and some fat kid on a tire swing told his mom, who subsequently called the police.

I suppose its best to show you the clip of these words being used in their proper context so you can truly appreciate how glorious a statement this really is. click here
The part you really need to hear is around 4 minutes in so after hearing Ice T's original quote, skip ahead.

Salutations bitches

People have been asking me to start my own blog for the past year or so, so I figured what better time than now. While it has been flattering, as to why people have requested that I take on this endeavor is a bit befuddling. I have narrowed it down to two distinct possibilities. The first being that apparently some one out there other than myself, thinks I'm pretty funny. The second, and more likely being that I'm such a mean spirited, foul mouthed, deplorable, piece of trash that reading my rantings will somehow make you feel better about yourself; and forget about what a terrible person you are in comparison to me. Either way its nice to feel wanted.

Some of you may be offended by some of the things I will say in the upcoming weeks, months, and depending on how this goes years. With that said, I think its only fair that I tell you now, that I don't give a shit. If you don't like my blog go read Better Homes and Gardens, Oprah's magazine or something else more your speed. I can assure you that MOST of the time what I say is purely for shits and giggles, and I don't mean 99% of it. Which means that 99% of the time hopefully you will be laughing at someone else's expense. Conversely, this also means that 1% of the time you will be offended and think I'm talking about you. Which means that 1% of the time you will be right because I am.